Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A Procrastinator's Guide to Dejunking

Tip 1: Breakables
Place breakables on a 'Awaiting Decision' shelf. Allow a child or clumsy friend to knock them onto the floor. Then throw shards in the trash, vacuum floor, and carefully wash off feet. Decision over. Award food to everyone in the room.

Tip 2: Boxes of Junk
Stuff box of junk under bed. Pull it out at least once a week in search of earplugs, earrings, or small children. Repeat until sick of box. Take to donation center. Do not donate small children.

Tip 3: Toys
Take photos of old toy to be sold online. Place toy in closet until buyer appears. Wait two unsuccessful weeks, removing small child from closet and forbidden toys periodically. Feel guilty, allow small child to play with old toy. Find small child standing on toy, about to jump off and break it or her/himself. Replace toy in closet. Apologize to husband when toy attacks him upon opening of closet. Wait one more week. Take toy to donation center and breathe sigh of relief.

Tip 4: Multiple Parts
Store half of an item in one location; store the other half in a location so clever even you can't find it. Hunt through every possible storage location, then give up and just donate the half you can find. Hope that some person will happen to be missing that exact half and buy it with tears of joy.

Tip 5: Eye Candy
Casually display an attractive item on the dining room table. Wait until guests admire it, then offer it to them. If they refuse, try pleading or threats. If no one has accepted after a month, take to donation center.

Bonus Tip: Minimalism
Become a minimalist. Before buying any item, remember the energy and time it takes to dejunk the same item. Use procrastination in your favor and delay buying item at all.

1 comment:

  1. Minimalism: hire movers who break at least a quarter of your stuff. Whatever they somehow leave intact, allow your children to unpack so that can finish the job. Anything that remains will be taken care of by the pets. Or possibly your own clumsiness.