Monday, January 26, 2015

When I Was More Dauntless-Divergent

I was reading "Insurgent" today, after having seen "Divergent" last summer. Both are treasures. I love it when books and films leave me wondering about a new angle on my own life. Taking the aptitude test online, I wasn't surprised to see that I'd fall under the Divergents as well, instead of fitting into one of the normal factions. My answers were a mix of Amity ('I am Peaceful'), Erudite ('I am Intelligent') - and then either Dauntless ('I am Brave') or Abnegation ('I am Selfless') as a third. Taking a few more quizzes, for fun, led to the same result, or when 'Divergent' wasn't a permutation, I would get the other answers; Candor ('I am Honest') was the only faction that wouldn't welcome me, apparently. Amity and Erudite were the highest, but what really made me stop to think was that things have changed in the last few years.

Not standing out in this culture has been my goal for the last while, I realised one day. Don't speak with accent, don't act like an American, and definitely don't get separated from Faramir through bureaucratic/immigration issues and get kicked out of the country. Since moving to the city, I haven't picked up any of my old sports and I've gone on fewer photo wanders the more I've gotten used to the sights.

A few years ago, I half wished I could get kicked out of my country. My job seemed to have dead-ended. I had to figure out my own assignments. People seemed to be abandoning me left and right. I walked with an attitude, dyed and spiked my hair, and had several piercings. I traveled all over Eastern Europe alone. I would definitely have scored Dauntless, but there was enough Erudite to keep me from actually doing anything stupid or reckless. And there was enough Amity- and Abnegation- to hold me to my friends and my commitment there until my job assignment was over. 

Some days I wonder what happened to the girl who didn't care so much what others thought, and who spent more of her time roaming, biking, and wandering the world on her own. Obviously, I have a baby and a husband now, but I feel like that's only part of it. I took out my nose piercing a few years back when it was a hassle to keep replacing after taekwondo. My volleyball kneepads are sitting in the bottom of my footlocker. My days are spent reading library books to my adorable little Hobbit (who I would not trade away!) and taking him on errands, and drinking tea with Faramir and drinking tea with my friends and family. And blogging and housework and freelancing as a book editor. And recycling and church (and childcare at church with more cute hobbits) and other friendly Amity or Erudite things. It's a good life, for the most part. 

I just sometimes look at the Amity-Erudite-Divergent me, and miss the Dauntless-Divergent me....

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